100 Word Plot Bunnies
by Dot Warner
Summary: Super short drabbles giving brief examination to a number of topics. Some tend to be heavy on the dialogue, but for completion's sake I've included them all here. Moved the rating to M because a few of the drabbles are Not Safe For Work.
1. In Which Knives Meets a True Spider

In Which Knives meets a True Spider

* * *

Knives still didn't know how the thing had impersonated his brother so brilliantly. It must have been the red coat and the glasses. Nothing else bore any trace of resemblance.

"Come into my parlor, said the spider to the butterfly." The horror was a mass of leering eyes and drooling mouths. "I almost admired you. Too bad you wouldn't let go of your inane philosophies and become a true monster."

Knives flailed uselessly, furious over the implied mockery. "I'll kill you!"

An impossibly large gun appeared out of the shadows. "Is that all you have to say?"

Knives died screaming.

* * *

Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:  
I have no idea what Alucard would think of Knives if they actually met (on non-devouring terms).


	2. In Which Two Creatures of the Underworld

In Which Two Creatures of the Underworld Exchange Barbs

* * *

"Look, old geezer, I don't care if you're the prince of the fucking darkness. Just stay the hell out of my way and let me do my job."

"Whatever you say, boy."

"That's 'Hellboy' to you, jackass."

"Interesting name."

"Like you're one to talk, 'Dracula backwards'."

"True."

"Hey, watch out for that--nevermind."

"Pumping ghouls full of lead gets boring after a while."

"You're such an insufferable showoff."

"Thank you. By the way, incoming Vatican dog alert."

"Got it--the hell?"

"Oops, forgot to mention that the Judas priest is a regenerator."

"You did that on purpose."

"Maybe."

"I hate you."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Why not? The settings are similar enough to cross over without too many issues.


	3. In Which Ron and Hermoine

In Which Ron and Hermoine Make an Interesting Observation

* * *

"Nickname or pseudonym?"

"Check."

"One or more characters attracted to him?"

"Check."

"Exceptional eyes?"

"Check."

"Rich or well-to-do, despite not having a job?"

"Check."

"Sole heir to a large fortune?"

"Check."

"Sole survivor to a calamity?"

"Check."

"Angsty childhood, and complains about it?"

"Check."

"Suffered from abuse?"

"Check."

"Consistently irreverent or radical without repercussions?"

"Check."

"Special birthmark?"

"Check."

"Best at something and widely known for it?"

"Check."

"Knows magic?"

"Check."

"Star player of a sports team?"

"Check."

"Wait, what's the score so far?"

"Forty-something."

"Dang, and we're only halfway through!"

"That clinches it. Harry is definitely a Gary-Stu."

"Well, duh."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I used a generic "Mary Sue Litmus Test" to write this; the sad thing is, Harry probably would have scored even higher if I cross-checked with an actual book.


	4. In Which Knives Makes an Ironic Decision

In Which Knives Makes an Ironic Decision

* * *

Knives felt surprisingly calm despite the revelation that this so-called 'Savior' had given him. "So, let me get this straight. This world, the one I think is real, isn't. It's a fabrication of machines that are using humans as biological power supplies."

"That's right."

A small chuckle began working its way up his throat. He stifled it. "And now I have a chance to be free from the system and unplug anyone else that can accept this truth."

"Yes."

He fired his gun repeatedly, emptying his clip even well after the man had stopped moving. "I'll take the blue pill."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I kept going back and forth on this one. This scenario would be Knives' one chance to live his philosophy and be a hero while he's at it, but in the end, I thought that the truth might be a bit much for him to bear.


	5. In Which Zenigata Gets the Wrong Man

In Which Zenigata Gets the Wrong Man

* * *

Zenigata clapped the handcuffs around the bewildered man's wrists. "Aha! I finally got you this time, Lupin! Did you think that you could fool me? Honestly! Flaunting your name around like that! And teaching in a school for, what was it, 'wizards'? Don't make me laugh!"

The man stared alternately at Zenigata and his hands. "I think you've made a mistake, sir. Being one of 'those' is hardly grounds for arrest."

"Don't play dumb with me!" Zenigata began dragging Lupin towards his squad car. "You're not getting away from me, Arsene Lupin III, no matter what!"

"--my name is Remus."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
The dangers of sharing last names with an internationally wanted criminal, mwaha.


	6. In Which Jan Gives Too Much Information

In Which Jan Gives Too Much Information

* * *

He barged into the room, only to find himself face to face with the fucking cunt's gun.

She fired six bullets at him in rapid succession, each hitting its mark perfectly. "I won't let you die until you answer my questions. Tell me everything."

His string of curses was halted by the burning agony in his face. "Everything?"

Her expression remained impassive. "Everything."

He sighed, defeated. "Well, fine, you bitch. When I was three years old, I pushed my brother down the basement stairs and I said it was the dog."

She twitched, once.

Jan exploded in a blazing inferno.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
The "when I was three" quote comes from some movie, but I don't know which.


	7. In Which Knives and Vash Discuss

In Which Knives and Vash Discuss the Unreliability of Memory

* * *

On the eighth morning, Vash awoke to the sound of Knives laughing.

"Rem, save Rem! I get it now! You amended my memory, didn't you, thinking I'd be haunted by her death forever?"

"She was an innocent."

"Was she, now? Or was that just your idealized reconstruction of her?"

"What are you getting at?"

"That act doesn't work with me, brother. You and I are two sides of the same coin."

"I'm not like you, and I'll never be."

"Which one of us destroyed July on a tantrum, again?"

"That wasn't my fault."

"It was too, and you know it."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
The mindfuck goes both ways in this relationship, methinks.


	8. In Which Vash is the Kwisatz Haderack

In Which Vash is the Kwisatz Haderack

* * *

"You have such pretty eyes, blue on blue like the perfect summer's day." She noticed the sad expression that crossed his face. "Did I say something wrong?"

He didn't meet her gaze. "I have to keep moving again."

Her heart skipped a beat. "Why?"

He shrugged into his long red coat. "I told you when I first came here: I stay, until I receive a sign to go. You've just given me that sign."

She caught his hand, her eyes watering. "But I don't even know your name!"

He paused. "It's best you don't. My name is a killing word."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Hey, Gunsmoke already has the giant funky worms.


	9. In Which Alucard is Kept

In Which Alucard is Kept on a Short Leash

* * *

Integra bit back a laugh as Alucard gave her the most plaintive, googly-eyed look he could manage. "No. My order still stands."

Alucard pouted. "You know I have issues with running water."

"And you know I care more about Hellsing's reputation than your issues." Integra held up a report. "Do you have any idea how many bloodsucking insects you've picked up?"

"Enough to 'start a flea circus'?"

"Don't make me repeat myself, Alucard."

"Yes, my Master."

Seras watched a dejected Alucard leave the room. "What's the matter with him?"

Integra almost smiled. "I told him to go take a bath."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Somewhat inspired by a picture on Deviantart by pu-sama of Integra trying to wash Alucard in Hellhound form.


	10. In Which Xelloss Finally Meets His Match

In Which Xelloss Finally Meets His Match

* * *

Xelloss began to sweat. Filia was cute when frustrated, adorable when angry, and quite tantalizing in a murderous rage, but this--this was positively irresistible. "I thought you hated me."

She shrugged. "I changed my mind." She traced the outline of his bindings. "Besides, don't you think this is an effective way to keep you out of trouble?"

Oh, by L-sama, yes. "Quite."

She removed her clothes slowly, a smile on her face. She shouldn't be enjoying it this much. "So, I hear that you make a wicked soup."

His nose began to bleed. Good thing he was a masochist.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Surely I'm not the only one who's noticed that the otherwise unflappable Xelloss gets quite flustered around Filia.


	11. In Which Frodo Encounters Something

In Which Frodo Encounters Something Scarier Than the One Ring

* * *

I gaped in awe at the--well, I still don't know what to call it, really, so I just named it Bob. "What is that, Gandalf?"

"It is the Deus Ex Machina," Gandalf intoned solemnly. "It was a most dreadful artifact created in the First Age."

I was suspicious. The grey wizard had a habit of exaggerating. "What's so scary about a plain old--"

"Silence!" Gandalf cried, unconsciously lapsing into black speech. He calmed himself. "Sorry, but some things just aren't meant to be spoken of. So be a good little hobbit and destroy it, alright?"

"Sure, I guess."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I was reading through the Straight Dope Message Board's LoTR parodies again and got inspired.


	12. In Which the Lord of the Rings

In Which the Lord of the Rings is Written by Someone Else

* * *

"You're one tough nut to crack, Gandalf the Grey. But don't worry, sooner or later they all crack."

"My Leige?"

"You know I don't like being interrupted, Wormtongue."

"A thousand apologies, my Leige, but this is important. Gollum has stolen the Ring."

"Gollum? You mean Smeagol. I thought the Nazgul took care of him."

"Lord Sauron spared him, made him the jester."

"Ah, I remember now."

"What shall we do, my Leige?"

"Let the Nazgul handle Smeagol. I still have a Fellowship to find."

"Very well."

"Now. Tell me, Gandalf, what do the words 'Baggins' and 'Shire' mean to you?"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I really, really want to expand on this, but I'm afraid it'll end up on the junk heap like every other massively epic idea I come up with.


	13. In Which Harry Potter Gets

In Which Harry Potter Gets Twelve Sisters

* * *

The whole thing had been so completely unbelievable: the twelve letters addressed to the Boy-Who-Lived-Under-the-Stairs. The perfectly tailored butler showing up at the Dursleys. The helicopter (!) ride to Promise Island.

They landed in front of the most magnificent mansion Harry had ever laid his eyes on. He gasped as he saw banner bearing his name on it, and the girls--his sisters--lined up to meet him.

"This can't be happening to me."

It had to be a dream. Any moment now he would wake up. But right now, maybe, it was all right to pretend, just a little.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
So I was pondering stuff the other day and the Evil Muse lobs this idea at me, namely, Harry Potter and the Sister Princesses. As if I didn't have enough ideas already. - _sighs -_


	14. In Which the Tables are Turned

In Which the Tables are Turned

* * *

Legato placed the pictures down, glad that Midvalley had suggested intercepting all of Master's mail. "No doubt about it now. The Stampede's definitely on the prowl again, and he's rubbing our faces in the fact that we couldn't stop him last time."

Raiden shuddered at the bodies, sliced open and entrails arranged in a cruel imitation of butterfly's wings. "He's a monster."

"So what do we do?" Dominique wondered. "Knives-sama still hasn't recovered yet."

"Chapel's keeping tabs on things." Legato frowned as he received the latest report. "And he just told me that Stampede took two Bernadelli agents as hostages."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Because it's just as likely that the twin's philosophies took them in the opposite direction.


	15. In Which Romantic Prospects

In Which Romantic Prospects are Discussed

* * *

"Missing him again, Master of my Master? He lasted longest of all your consorts - more than sixty years, if I recall correctly."

"A pathetically short time, compared to eternity."

"True."

"I shouldn't have made mortals so damnably fragile."

"Or at least you should stop choosing them as your companions."

"Says the mazoku who's dating a Gold Dragon."

"Why does everybody bring that up?"

"Because you two are so cute together, of course."

"Hmph. So what will you do now?"

"Choose another pillar, I suppose."

"Oh? Bored with terrifying dragons already?"

"That, and I've had enough of the chest jokes."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
"Master of My Master" is, sadly, not something I actually came up with, but rather borrowed from _Hellsing_. I figured Xelloss would address the Lord of Nightmares as such since she created the Slayers world.


	16. In Which Another Set of Roles

In Which Another Set of Roles are Reversed

* * *

Only the weakest, in body or mind, were spared that backstabbing little prick's pogrom. Vegita had survived by sheer luck, stealing one of the pods intended for some low-class warrior.

Now, Vegita was alone, the last of his race, stuck on some backwater planet. Sooner or later Freeza would no doubt catch up to him, but Vegita was going to do his damnedest to make sure that he would be ready.

First, he would have to put up with being treated like an invalid. In secret, Vegita was grateful, but did the old fart really have to call him "Veggie-poo"?

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
No, no bumps on the head for Vegita. His character growth will happen the long, painful way.


	17. In Which Vegita Has to Give the Talk

In Which Vegita Has to Give the Talk--Again

* * *

Determined not to flub it again, he'd rehearsed his speech until he had gotten it backwards and forwards. This time, he would be better prepared.

Boy, was he ever wrong.

They were in a restaurant, sharing a rare meal as a family, when she'd piped up. Loudly.

"Daddy, what does it mean to--"

And she proceeded to use a word no four-year-old child should know.

He felt countless eyes focus on him, some with shock, some with horror, others with pity.

People who write beautiful poetry about the joys of having children obviously never spawned any of their own.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
There's no escape for him this time.


	18. In Which Kenshin Really Is

In Which Kenshin Really Is as Girly as She Looks

* * *

Hiko woke to the sound of his young disciple screaming. "What's all the fuss? You could wake the dead with that noise!"

"Blood," Kenshin stuttered.

"It's not like you haven't seen gallons of it already." Hiko was about to go back to sleep when he noticed exactly where the blood was located. "Oh. Well, this might be problematic."

Kenshin looked as if he--no, she--was about to faint.

"I suppose your parents never explained to you about the facts of life." Hiko sighed as Kenshin shook her head wordlessly. "Lovely."

Hiko sighed again. "Well, for starters, you're a girl."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by, of all things, a Sano x Kenshin dojinshi where Kenshin gets pregnant. I wish I were making that up.


	19. In Which Magus Finds Schala

In Which Magus Finds Schala, in a Fashion

* * *

"You're the last person I expected to start an orphanage."

"Had to get away from the lovebirds somehow."

"Heh. So why were you so surprised to see me?"

"I thought you went looking for Schala."

"That was just a convenient excuse to leave. I threw away my only chance of saving her for revenge."

"But--Marle's pendant--"

"Some villager found it washed up on the beach and gave it to the elder a couple of years after Zeal fell."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"Life happens."

_La Mi Re So Mi Ti Do_

"Something wrong, Magus?"

"Must have been my imagination."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I hadn't actually played Chrono Cross when I wrote this, but I had read a few reviews and I was inspired. The tune that Magus heard (or may have heard) is the Song of Life, the tune that you play to free Schala from Lavos.


	20. In Which Legato Learns

In Which Legato Learns of a Different Viewpoint

* * *

Legato was wondering how to kill the townspeople he'd summoned before him when Her voice sounded in his mind.

/What are you doing?/

He blinked. The other Plant Angels didn't ever speak to him. /Freeing you. They'll never harm you again./

/What are you talking about?/

/They were taking your life-force./

/It was my choice!/

He frowned. Clearly, she'd been brainwashed. /They deserve to die. Knives-sama said so./

She began to cry. /So it's true, then. He won't stop until he's killed them all./

He didn't answer.

She was silent for a long time. /Don't make them suffer./

/Very well./

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I fangirl over Legato, too, but honestly, he's irrevocably insane; and even if he could come to some sort of sense, Knives would never let him out of the Gun Ho Guns alive.


	21. In Which Knives Lives in Severe Denial

In Which Knives Lives in Severe Denial

* * *

He tells himself that this is his revenge on Vash.

Vash has been dead and buried--by his hands, next to that idiot priest--for decades now.

He tells himself that she sees him as Vash's replacement.

She's never called out Vash's name in the heat of passion.

He tells himself that someday he'll kill them all and laugh over their bodies.

They call him "Red Angel", for his coat and heroic deeds.

He tells himself that he hasn't changed, that he had won their duel under the blue sky.

If he tells himself enough times, he might believe it.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by reading the drabbles over at the 100bullets LJ community.


	22. In Which Degrees of Sin are Discussed

In Which Degrees of Sin are Discussed

* * *

"Vash."

"No 'Needle Noggin' today, Wolfwood?"

"I'm trying to be serious here."

"I'm all ears."

"I think I'm in love with you."

"You say that as if it's a bad thing."

"It's kind of wrong for a man to love another man that way."

"Says who?"

"Says the Bible."

"Where?"

"Not in those words, exactly, but you can make a pretty good case for it."

"And this bothers you more than, say, 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'?"

"You'll never stop harping on me for that, will you?"

"Nope."

"In that case, wanna fuck?"

"That's not what I meant!"

"Sure it wasn't."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I'm not big on the Wolfwood x Vash pairing, but I do find it amusing that in most 'fics that deal with it, Wolfwood feels more guilty about being a pervy Vash fancier than being a murderer.


	23. In Which Goku is a Man Er, Saiyajin

In Which Goku is a Man (Er, Saiyajin) of Many Names

* * *

His birth parents, whom he no longer remembered, named him Kakarrotto. Thanks to a bump on his head, he preferred his adopted name. Vegita addressed him as Kakarrotto anyway, to annoy him.

"Son Goku" became a hateful mantra to his enemies. Arale-chan called him Go-kun, a nickname he still sometimes misses. To Bulma, he was Son-kun, whereas Piccolo just used "Son".

Chi-Chi spoke to him as "husband", even when she was mad at him. He was Gohan's Daddy, but merely Goten's Father in public, and Old Man privately.

Pan-chan and Bra-chan dubbed him Grand-Dada, because he was always so silly.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I had scribbled up an introspective piece, but then I thought Goku wasn't really much of a person to do any intense naval-gazing and this premise has been done better in other places anyway.


	24. In Which Chapel and Midvalley Discuss

In Which Chapel and Midvalley Discuss a Disturbing Theory

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts, Chapel."

"Ever notice that Vash and Knives are never in the same place at the same time?"

"You're not implying–"

"They certainly seem to insist on setting themselves apart, despite supposedly being twins. The way they act, the way they dress, the people they surround themselves with–"

"No way. That's too crazy, even for Knives."

"Only one way to find out."

"You mean you're–"

"I've already volunteered."

"Damn. You planned this."

"I have to know, Midvalley. If I'm wrong, at least we'd have a chance."

"And if you're right?"

"Then we're all fucked."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Yeah, yeah, both the manga and the end of the anime invalidate this theory, but it's still a slightly scary thought.


	25. In Which the Cycle Beings Anew

In Which the Cycle Begins Anew

* * *

He places his hand on the tinted glass. "Time is running out, Brother." He brushes the silver bangs from his vision. "You must open your to the truth before it's too late." He laughs as the figure imprisoned within thrashes uselessly. "The spiders have corrupted you, just like before. But don't you worry. I'll make you forget them, especially that meddlesome little imposter."

This time, his plan is foolproof. That silly band of tree-hugging terrorists will do most of the job for him. He only needs to push the final button.

He will have his Eden, one way or another.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Another pseudo-crossover inspired by 100bullets, where a FF7/Trigun crossover made me think about how many parallels these two series share. It's really hard to fit the entire premise in exactly 100 words, but I think I got the gist of it.


	26. In Which Two Philosophies are Tested

In Which Two Philosophies are Tested and Found Wanting

* * *

Too late, Legato finally understands why the priest insisted on writing Knives' name in blood at every town they destroyed. "No–"

The blade plunges downwards despite Legato's most desperate efforts. "Judge and be judged. Kill and be killed." The point presses against Legato's throat. "So what choose ye, lad?"

Elsewhere, Vash stares in horror as the creature gorges himself on the not-yet-dead Insurance Girl. "Why–"

"Because I'm a monster, Spikey. It's my nature to kill things and drink their blood." All of its mouths grin. "Can't change who I am, so I might as well enjoy it, right?"

* * *

Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:  
Hellsing vs. Trigun, round two. Can you tell I'm just slightly biased?


	27. In Which Magus Comes to Term

In Which Magus Comes to Term With Schala's Death

* * *

He tried to drown where they found Schala's pendant, but the sea promptly spat him back onto the beach. In response, the villagers took away his weapons and made sure he kept away from sharp objects or steep drops. Of course, that didn't discourage him from coming up with new ways to end his life.

His most creative attempt was when he'd nearly hung himself with his own hair.

After spending a month miserable, moping, and peach-fuzz bald, he weighed his options and came to a decision.

A year later, "Guile" appeared in Termina; the rest, they say, is history.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Supposedly, someone has proved without a doubt that Guile is not Magus, but the whole purpose of fanfic is boundless speculation, right?


	28. In Which Shinji Learns of a Deep, Dark

In Which Shinji Learns of a Deep, Dark Secret

* * *

"You all right, Professor?"

"I'm fine. You just startled me, that's all."

"Maybe asking about my Mom was a bad idea."

"Don't get me wrong, Shinji. We all admired your mother dearly. She was just--oh, my, how do I put this nicely--a very unique woman."

"I'll say. You're the fifth person I've sent into coughing fits just by bringing her up."

"We'll explain it to you when you're older."

"I'm fourteen already."

"It really isn't--oh, all right. That's what she would have wanted, I suppose. Come here."

"Why are you whispering--AUGH! NO!"

"I did warn you."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Originally, this was going to be a joke on Yui's sado-masochist tendancies (a running gag in Shinji's Alternate Universes), but I think the punchline works better if you don't know what was being whispered to poor, traumatized Shinji.


	29. In Which the First Steps of a Beautiful

In Which the First Steps of a Beautiful Something is Made

* * *

"They think we're sleeping together."

"Why not? We're pretty much inseparable and we already bicker like a married couple."

"It hasn't crossed your mind?"

"You've got nice assets, if that's what you're worried about."

"No, you pervert. I meant romantically."

"Hm. I don't think it'd work out. After all, I'm kind of evil."

"Well, Mother always did say that I would fall for the bad ones."

"You mean–oh! You're kidding! Ahahaha!"

"You're a little slow today."

"I suppose I find you more distracting than I'd like to admit."

"Really? Then perhaps I should actually be diligent with that mace."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Written as a challenge for Sayrah, who wanted to read "a very unromantic conversation between two characters that are usually paired as romantic". I probably should have made things a bit more ambiguous to completely fit her premise, but I like this result.


	30. In Which a Shot Gun Wedding

In Which a Shot-Gun Wedding is Being Planned

* * *

He knew he wasn't going to dissuade her, but he had to try. "I'm already married to my job."

She snorted, gesturing to her growing belly. "Little late to mention that now, don't you think?"

Yup. He was screwed. "Just letting you know in advance so you don't get any weird ideas."

"Don't worry. I've been quite thoroughly disillusioned, thanks to you."

He suddenly wondered if she'd planned the whole thing. "I'll take that as a compliment."

She raised an eyebrow. "Are you getting soft?"

"I'll arrange some assassins to show up at the ceremony, if you'd like."

"No, thanks."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I tried Sayrah's challenge again, but I'm not sure if I was any more successful. Written without any specific pairing in mind.


	31. In Which Vash is Even More Messed Up

In Which Vash is Even More Messed Up Than We Thought

* * *

It was on days like this that Rem hated her job.

Vash was a hopeless case; the long line of psychiatrists that came, and promptly left, was testament to that. Rem herself was getting increasingly drawn into Vash's twisted world; sometimes even she couldn't tell where illusion ended and reality began.

But she was being paid to try, at least. So every day, Rem gathered her things (her nerves being one of them) and entered Vash's room. As always, he managed to look angelically innocent despite the straightjacket that kept him securely bound.

"What did you dream about today, Vash?"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by the dream sequence in the "B.D.N." episode; no, I haven't thought of what Vash did to land himself in the nuthouse.


	32. In Which the Gung Ho Guns are Recast

In Which the Gung Ho Guns are Recast into a Different Setting

* * *

From nauseating evidence the still-at-large "Rem Severem" left behind, detectives surmised that the orphanage was nothing but a front for child prostitution. Each of the survivors only answered to their handles, twisted double-entendres that suggested the horrors forced upon them. After an attempt to separate the children proved nearly disastrous, the State petitioned for a family willing to take all of them in.

That July, all of the children disappeared, leaving a trail of dead bodies in their wake. The only clue was the word "KNIVES" scribbled repeatedly in blood on the walls, and a pot of overturned red germaniums.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Because I always thought that the GHG's titles sounded kind of dirty, and I couldn't resist sneaking in an Evil!Rem potshot, either.


	33. In Which Father and Daughter

In Which Father and Daughter Spend Quality Time Together

* * *

A pink, lacy, frilling thing is held up for approval. "Well? What do you think?"

A single eyebrow twitch. "No. Absolutely not."

A miffed pout. "It's just a bra, Daddy. Nobody's going to look at it."

Knuckles pop as hands clench and unclench. "Then there's no point in buying that–that monstrosity."

A plaintive, hopeful look. "But Mom's wore stuff way worse than this when she was my age!"

Teeth begin to grind. "When your mother was your age, she was traveling the world with a boy so clueless he didn't know the difference between a man and a woman!"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
If you thought the dad in Meet the Parents was scary, wait until Bra starts dating.


	34. In Which Some Quotes are Taken

In Which Some Quotes are Taken Out of Context

* * *

Integra couldn't help but stare as Alucard laughed and pulled the stake out of his chest. "You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you, daughter of Hellsing?"

She kept her face carefully blank as the room filled with bats. "You know, for a second there, yeah, I kinda did."

Alucard laughed again. "Silly rabbit."

Integra dodged the first wave, fishing through her pockets and counted her remaining silver bullets. Not enough. Never enough. "Trix are for–"

"–kids," Alucard finished, appearing behind her and placing the yellow smiley-faced sticker on her back. "Tag. I win. Again."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by the drabbles over at the Bloody Shorts LJ community, the prompt being "use a quote from Kill Bill" or something like that.  
I'm imagining this as a (somewhat anachronistic) training session for young Integra, but I suppose it could have happened any time in their relationship.


	35. In Which a Galaxy Far, Far Away

In Which a Galaxy Far, Far Away has Connections to Gunsmoke

* * *

Anakin coughed to cover his snicker as the hologram of the First Jedi appeared. _What a sissy-looking doofus._

Obi-Wan didn't miss Anakin's reaction, but he decided to ignore it and advanced to the next hologram. "And this was the First Sith, his twin brother."

Anakin found himself mesmerized by the pair of intense blue eyes. They were cold, hard, cruel, and confident--everything Anakin wasn't, and secretly admired. "What drove him to the Dark Side?"

Obi-Wan hesitated just long enough for Anakin to realize that he was hiding something. "That knowledge has since been lost in the mists of time."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Yet another drabble inspired by 100bullets.


	36. In Which a Cheesy Line

In Which a Cheesy Line is Made (Slightly) More Profound

* * *

On the first morning of the Fall, and many more thereafter, Vash and Knives sat back to back not looking at or speaking to each other, both of them sulking like a child and utterly convinced that the other was wrong.

They very likely would have remained that way forever--under the blue sky, with SEEDs ships raining all around them--until they finally found something they could genuinely agree to.

(To this day, however, neither would admit that he was the one who first broke the long silence.)

"I hate sand."

"Yeah, me too. Let's get out of here."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Perhaps not an immense improvement given what I had to work with.


	37. In Which Knives is Found

In Which Knives is Found in an Embarrassing Situation

* * *

Legato pressed his ear to the door, and, having confirmed what his Master was up to, proceeded to barge in loudly. "Sir!"

"What?" Knives thundered, the incriminating evidence spilling from his arms.

Legato pretended to avert his eyes. "You're needed on the bridge, sir!"

Knives almost stamped his foot, but thought better of it. "Knock on my door! Knock next time!"

"Yes, sir!"

"Did you see anything?"

"No, sir!" Just loud enough, Legato added, "I didn't see you playing with your dolls," he smirked, "again."

"Good!" Knives snapped back, before realization hit.

Legato's screams of agony were peppered with laughter.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I originally planned to do a drabble based on the "comb the desert" exchange, but this one fits a little bit better.


	38. In Which Milly Proves to be

In Which Milly Proves to be Surprisingly Astute

* * *

Wolfwood noticed Milly sitting by herself, her pretty little brows knit together in deep thought. He plopped down next to her, putting an arm around her shoulder. "What's wrong, Big Girl?"

"Ah, Mr. Wolfwood, I've been wondering. You say your traveling companion," she pointed to the carefully wrapped cross sitting atop the bus, "is so heavy because it's full of mercy, correct?"

"That's right," Wolfwood answered without skipping a beat, the wording of Milly's question allowing him to not lie, for once.

"But--" and here Milly frowned slightly, "--shouldn't that be 'full of grace'?"

Wolfwood could only stare.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Just a thought that occured to be the other day, 'cause I was raised Catholic. (For those of you non-Catholics, this is a reference to the "Hail Mary", which goes: "Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.")


	39. In Which Soujirou Comes to the End

In Which Soujirou Comes to the End of His Rope

* * *

In the beginning, he had sought fervently. Everything--from the smallest raindrop to the largest mountain--overflowed with potential meaning and purpose. But as each proposed solution only resulted in more questions, he began to despair.

On the six hundred and sixty-sixth day of his journey, enlightenment struck.

The answer did not exist.

Courage and cowardice were merely masks for each other. Life was death was life. Lies were truth was false. Sanity was sheer insanity, and madness was the profoundest sense.

All was absurdity, absurdities within absurdities.

He laughed until he cried, and then cried until he laughed again.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
What can I say, I have a thing for psychotic pretty boys.


	40. In Which Song Lyrics are Abused

In Which Song Lyrics are Abused to Comedic Effect

* * *

Walter noticed Seras moping again. "Something wrong, Miss Victoria?"

Seras sighed. "No-one told me life was going to be this way."

"Ah." Walter smiled. "Let me guess: your employment is a joke, your finances are a mess, and your romantic prospects are as lifeless as the ghouls you hunt?"

Seras nodded. "Something like that. Uh, no offense to Hellsing."

"Of course." Walter adjusted his monocle and winked. "And you don't have to suffer alone. I shall always be there for you."

Now Seras finally caught on. "I didn't know you watch that show."

"I don't." Walter smiled wider. "Alucard does."

* * *

Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:  
The irony, if you didn't know, is that Friends is a show inspired by another show that was already running in Great Britain.


	41. In Which Expectations Are Not Lived Up

In Which Expectations Are Not Lived Up To

* * *

He wears his grin as sloppily as his ragged clothes. "You're looking at me funny again."

She's finally had enough. "You're supposed to be the hero. You know--come to town, save the day, kill the bad guys." She pokes a finger into his chest. "But you're boorish, rude, and a coward besides."

He pulls back beyond her reach and crosses his arms. "Well, excuse me, princess," he sneers, drawing out the non-apology in a parody of her voice, "for preferring to keep both of us alive! Unlike you, some of us live in this place called the real world."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
While the 'fic is rife with Legend of Zelda references (the "come to town" line is paraphrased from System of a Down's parody, and "well, excuse me, princess" is from the animated series) I mostly wrote it with Hans Solo and Princess Leia in mind. Although, of course, it also would fit for other characters.


	42. In Which An Ambiguous Proposition

In Which An Ambiguous Proposition Is Made, and Possibly Accepted

* * *

House didn't bother to get up when Wilson let himself in. "Last I checked, you were still married."

Wilson drew in a deep breath. "There never was a Julie."

House was nonplussed at this revelation. "I was wondering when you'd confess." He continued while Wilson stared. "I suppose I should be flattered by your devotion."

"I know." Wilson sighed. "You're not interested in people, sex is more or less out of the question, and you don't swing that way."

"But," House began, and smirked when he gained Wilson's full attention. "But, who else would be willing to write my scrips?"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Even with one viewing of _House, M.D._, I was picking up on the (mostly likely intentional) Wilson/House vibes. The series itself seems to be heading towards House/Cameron, but that's what fanfic is for, right?


	43. In Which an Ending is a New Beginning

In Which an Ending is a New Beginning

* * *

"Penny for your thoughts, Watanuki-kun?"

"I was wondering why I'm following you around like this. Yuuko-san wasn't very clear in her directions at all."

"She'd never tell you herself; she has a reputation to uphold. You're her payment."

"P-p-payment? For what?"

"The ability to grant wishes, of course. You didn't think she was born with that kind of power, did you?"

"I've never really thought about that. She made it look so natural."

"Well, she was my best student."

"You mean's there's more people like you and Yuuko-san out there?"

"Oh, tons! Threads of 'inevitability' don't manage themselves, you know!"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Just a little speculation on a possible ending for _xxxHolic_. I may write a full 'fic about this later if I can read more of the series.  
"Inevitability" is my translation for the term _hitsuzen_, and while that doesn't cover all the nuances of the word, it's the best I can come up with at the moment.


	44. In Which Sympathy is Shown for the Devil

In Which Sympathy is Shown for the Devil

* * *

He did not, could not understand. His role in the grand design had no room for doubt. But he would think of her last words to him and waver.

"But who will save Tom Riddle?"

She, as a fellow member of the Order, should have known better. But she asked him anyway, just as he was leaving her world forever.

Her question, never answered, haunted him despite all his attempts to dismiss it as nonsense.

It couldn't be possible. Not after that awful night.

Yet he would still wonder whether she was onto something.

"But who will save Tom Riddle?"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Despite the possible OOC-ness, I envision this as one of Snape's memories (the 'she' being, then, Lily).


	45. In Which Death Woos the Maiden

In Which Death Woos the Maiden

* * *

Today would be the day. Soon enough, there she was, arms crossed and face set in her usual scowl.

She didn't bother with any formalities, and just asked straight out: "Why?"

"Why what?"

"Don't play dumb with me. You're Death. You'd never accidentally end up beholden to a mortal girl."

He faked a cold sweat. "I lost a fair challenge."

"You've also stopped talking in that stupid Jamaican accent."

He'd expected that; she was always quite astute, even as a little girl. "I figured I don't need that anymore."

"Answer the question."

He smiled. "Haven't you ever read Emily Dickinson?"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by Bleedman's comic, but in my version, Mandy's certainly not the mastermind behind her relationship with Grim. (Yeah, the cartoon presents Grim as a rather useless figure, but in "reality", I happen to think he's a lot more competent than he lets on.)


	46. In Which Precautions are Made

In Which Precautions are Made, Ironically

* * *

Nobody believed the stranger that fell out of the sky. They could see with their own eyes the make of his ship, and his demeanor made his true identity as obvious as the nose on his face.

A full-scale invasion was inevitable. While facing the brunt of Freeza's power was impossible, they could at least make those pirates think twice about taking Yadrat.

They decided to teach the Saiyajin their secret technique. Meanwhile, he'd become an unwitting carrier of their other secret, and then take it back to his masters.

By the time he showed symptoms, it'd be too late.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Because a virus that causes a debilitating heart attack in a freaking Saiyajin can't possibly a disease anybody picks up by accident.


	47. In Which Insincere Complaints

In Which Insincere Complaints are Leveled

* * *

"Sweet Serenity" my ass. Everything about Gan Ning is loud. He walks loud, talks loud, eats loud, shits loud, snores loud. He's crass, lewd, egotistical, and a Grade A jerk.

And don't get me started on those tattoos. They mark him for the rest of his life as a criminal, a pirate, and a low-class scumbag no matter how many battles he fights in or how many people he kills.

Worst of all, I can't stop liking him. Everything about him that should be annoying only makes me like him even more.

Well, at least he isn't loud in bed.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Gan Ning mystery pairing inspired by Dynasty Warriors 5. Use your imaginations to fill in the blanks.  
"Sweet Serenity" is what Gan Ning's name translates to, more or less, making his personality in the game that much more ironic.


	48. In Which a Political Marriage Becomes

In Which a Political Marriage Becomes a True Union

* * *

They were barely past the age when girls were considered women; but Wu's heir needed a wife, so their father provided one. It was therefore natural that his sworn brother, the second most eligible bachelor, married the second sister, the second loveliest.

She was so very little and so very not interested in being a proper lady. But she adored him, following him everywhere and listening to him read with rapt attention even if she didn't understand half of it.

It was not until he faced the prospect of losing her that he realized how much she meant to him.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by both Dynasty Warriors 5, in which Xiao Qiao's character design makes her look very young (and very, very illegal, even by ancient standards), and Romance of the Three Kingdoms, in which Zhou Yü sports a bit of an inferiority complex, especially in regards to Zhuge Liang.  
Official recorded history is largely silent on the Qiao sisters, but it does note that their father was a wealthy and powerful man, so it's entirely possible that Sun Ce and Zhou Yü married the Qiaos to gain alliances.


	49. In Which a Tomboy Finds Real Love

In Which a Tomboy Finds Real Love, Sort of

* * *

He was a marshmallow.

Even surrounded by her best bodyguards, the lightest breeze or twitch of a branch sent him into shivering panic.

His swordsmanship stank.

He could put on a good show, but when it came to actual combat even she could best him. He'd also started to gain some fat around his waist.

He...needed her, the princess who had nothing but an arranged marriage to show for all her martial arts training.

On that day, with her brother's armies behind her and the raging River before, she made her decision.

She would be his, now and forevermore.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
According to folk tradition, Sun Shang Xiang pined for Liu Bei after she was tricked into returning to Wu, and committed suicide upon hearing of his death at Bai Di Castle. (Chinese literature loves a good melodrama.)


	50. In Which a Ruler Swallows His Pride

In Which a Ruler Swallows His Pride

* * *

"Enjoy life. Forget Shu."

Such had been the Prime Minister's last bit of advice before he set out to die on the Plateau. At the time, I thought he was joking, so I didn't pay him much mind. But with Wei's army knocking at the front gates of the Capital, I thought of Kongming's words again and I realized what he meant.

Shu's existence had always been a bit of a lark, its fall inevitable. But as long as the people had peace, they wouldn't care who was in charge.

Besides, I knew what they called me behind my back.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
The first sentence is a very loose translation of a Chinese idiom that originated due to Liu Chan's carefree attitude after he surrendered to Wei; when asked about Shu, his reply went something along the lines of "Why in the world would I miss that dump?" Liu Chan's nickname--Ah Dou--eventually became synonymous with incompetence.  
Personally, I don't think Liu Chan was that dumb, just massively overshadowed by Zhuge Liang (Kongming being his style name, i.e., how a man is referred to by his peers after he comes of age).  
The Plateau is a reference to the Wu Zhang Plains. (Wu five and Zhang some unit of measurement that approximates to 3.3 meters, IIRC.)


	51. In Which a Dancer Wallows in Self Pity

In Which a Dancer Wallows in Self Pity

* * *

She was sixteen years old when she agreed to The Plan.

Had she been a man, she would have been fighting alongside her father on the battlefield. Instead, she became a pawn in a dangerous game to depose a tyrant they had invited in.

She had hated them both, father and adopted son. Neither could love anyone other than themselves, and they indulged in their desires far too often. When she cried in front of them to set them against each other, not all of her tears had been faked.

Now they were dead, and she had nowhere to go.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I haven't read Romance of the Three Kingdoms, so I don't know what happened to Diao Chan after Lü Bu dies. Tradition holds that Guan Yü beheaded her so she wouldn't entice anyone else, but that's a later invention; Diao Chan herself didn't exist outside of the novel.


	52. In Which Choice of Wardrobe is Discussed

In Which Choice of Wardrobe is Discussed

* * *

Father's eyes bugged out even further than they were normally. "Oh, hell no. You're not going outside in that outfit."

I crossed my arms. "I can't very well fight in a dress, can I?"

He sputtered, rage building. "At least put something on that won't cause those--those boys to stare!"

I rolled my eyes. "Let them stare. And while they do, I'll kick all their asses from here to the Sea!"

We glared at each other for a long time. Father, as usual, was the first to give up. "Oh, all right. But don't say I didn't warn you!"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Because the first thing I thought when I saw Xing Cai's outfit was, "If she really was Zhang Fei's daughter, he'd never let her outside wearing that."


	53. In Which Reality Triumphs

In Which Reality Triumphs Over Wishful Thinking

* * *

Many wondered what the wife of the Crouching Dragon was like.

"Surely she has to be hideous, or a harridan, or miserable and lonely!"

"Surely the heavens are not so unjust as to grant Kongming a woman who is as lovely as she was wise, one who could be both his equal and companion!"

"Surely with great genius came equally great tragedy, especially concerning issues of home life!"

The stranger tipped his hat at the gossiping farmers as he passed, hiding a small smile.

They had no idea how fortunate he truly was to have a woman such as her.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
History does not record much on Huang Yüe Ying; tradition has it that she's ugly, both on the inside and out.  
While Zhuge Liang's nickname is generally translated as "Sleeping Dragon" in the fansites that I've seen, I used "Crouching" instead (from the Ang Lee film) because that's the same character.


	54. In Which Life Goes on, Sadly

In Which Life Goes on, Sadly

* * *

There was no happily ever after.

He rode off to more battles; more distant lands that she'd seen on a map but could never remember where they were. They were important, he said, very important to Wu.

So she watched him leave, again and again, and every time he came back he looked worse and worse.

Then he lay dying--young, too young--in her arms. They watched the mighty River rush by and he sang the lament he composed to mourn his unfinished business.

He left her all alone, some other person's name on his lips as he departed.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
According to Romance of the Three Kingdoms, Zhou Yü's last words were "Having born Yü, wherefore also Liang?"  
Historically, Zhou Yü bore Zhuge Liang no personal animosity, and was in fact known to be a very amicable, charismatic man. However, he did write to Sun Quan urging him to kill Liu Bei, warning him of Shu's danger to Wu, but Sun Quan didn't take his advice.


	55. In Which Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

In Which Jealousy Rears Its Ugly Head

* * *

Even now, he still half expected her to whisper into his ear: "What are you brooding about now, my Lord?"

Except she had been dead over a year now, and he sulked in silence.

That damn kid. It was his fault he was feeling this way. He had her eyes. And when he spoke, it was with the same imperious coldness that she used.

"You've already killed the mother. I see no need to kill the son, too."

Her son. Perhaps not his. Perhaps this was his brother's revenge.

He wanted to laugh at himself, but no sound came out.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Zhen Ji and Cao Zhi (another one of Cao Cao's sons in the running for the throne) were rumored to have had a love affair before she married Yuan Xi; Cao Zhi wrote an ode to the goddess of the Luo River that was supposedly dedicated to her. Plagued by suspicion, Cao Pi eventually ordered Zhen Ji's death on pretense that she was being too jealous over his other wives.  
Some time later, Cao Pi went hunting with Cao Rui (his son by Zhen Ji) and shot a doe. In high spirits, he shouted to Cao Rui to get the calf as well, but the quote above was Cao Rui's answer, and this shamed Cao Pi into leaving Cao Rui as the heir apparent.


	56. In Which Two Veterans Talk Shop

In Which Two Veterans Talk Shop

* * *

Afterwards, he dressed Gongfu's wounds himself, tracing a worried hand over every mark. He'd given orders to make the ordeal look bloody and painful while inflicting as little harm as possible, but a whipping was a whipping.

"I've done you a great wrong," he began.

"Can it, Gongjin. It wouldn't have worked with anybody else. Besides, eventually it'll just be another scar I can brag about."

He began dabbing ointment and noticed the suppressed flinch. "I can imagine: 'This was when my colleague had me beaten within inches of my life'."

"No: 'This was when we triumphed at Chi Bi.'"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Gongfu is Huang Gai's style name, while Gongjin is Zhou Yü's. (Hooray for word count efficiency.)  
As Zhuge Liang says in Romance of the Three Kingdoms, "The one being stricken merely needs to endure bodily pain. The one who ordered the beating must also suffer wounds of the heart."


	57. In Which Great Potential is Tapped

In Which Great Potential is Tapped

* * *

Nobody bothered to avoid him when they told the joke any more. Him, the sole illiterate officer of Wu. He couldn't even read or write his own name.

He studied laboriously, beginning with the simplest tomes and using whatever he had on hand to practice the precise strokes of the Han language. They laughed at him even more as they watched his hands dance through the air.

By the campaign at Fan, he had managed to combine his field experience with the knowledge of Wu's most brilliant minds.

When the God of War fell to his blade, they stopped laughing.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Historical accuracy was somewhat sacrificed in this drabble, but Lü Meng really was made fun of for being unlearned; of course, as one of Zhou Yü's successor's meant that he had pretty big shoes to fill. Lü Meng's amazing advance eventually inspired a Chinese idiom that roughly means "to look at with new eyes".


	58. In Which Doubts are Debated

In Which Doubts are Debated

* * *

Shiyuan took another sip of his tea. "So you're really going to say yes to that so-called Imperial Cousin?"

Kongming left his drink untouched. "Who's to say that he isn't one? And besides, was Guangwu of royal blood?"

"I still think your plans are folly. Mengde has what it takes to unite all of China."

"His methods are too expedient for my taste."

Shiyuan snorted. "That's a riot coming from you. Besides, none of this will matter in a hundred years."

"That might very well be true, but I can at least keep a few people safe for this era."

* * *

Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:  
Shiyuan - Pang Tong  
Kongming - Zhuge Liang  
Guangwu - Temple name for Liu Xiu, who restored the Han dynasty after Wang Mang overthrew it; however, since it's likely that his last name was just a happy coincidence, his line is referred to as the Later Han period.  
Mengde - Cao Cao  
Given the long-term historical context--the three kingdoms were absorbed into Jin and then overrun by "barbarian" hordes a few generations later--Zhuge Liang's machinations in the novel seem rather pointless and tragic, so I have to wonder if he didn't think about that on at least one occasion.


	59. In Which Rivals Become SemiFriends

In Which Rivals Become Semi-Friends

* * *

Upon noticing Kongming's graying sideburns, I couldn't help teasing him. "And you say I worry too much, Mr. 'Half My Brain Tied Behind My Back, Just to Make it Fair'."

He chuckled. "That takes hard work. People tend to be unpredictable and even more unreasonable."

A subtle dig at me, I was sure, but I let it slide. "Oho, so the great Crouching Dragon admits that there're things beyond even his understanding?"

"Well, I've stayed up nights wondering why Wu got all the brains."

"This better not be another, 'alas, I alone am brilliant' complaint."

"I speak with utmost sincerity."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Kongming - Zhuge Liang, who was only in his twenties at Chi Bi.  
The Rush Limbaugh quote reflected Zhuge Liang's attitude in Romance of the Three Kingdoms well, so I appropriated it. (The Evil Muse is having a field day drawing parallels between then and now.)


	60. In Which Sol Gets His Last Name

In Which Sol Gets His Last Name, Possibly

* * *

Sol eventually found Ky standing guard at the main gate, the Fuuraiken towering over his tiny frame. "What're you doing?"

"Taking the night watch."

Sol picked Ky up by his oversized collar. "No, you are going to bed."

"No fair, Sol! How am I supposed to grow up to be a great Knight like you if you never let me do anything?"

"Who says I want that?" Sol muttered, then bared his teeth and made a mock stern face, "Don't make me Volcanic Viper you, brat."

"Ha! You'd never do that!"

"Why not?"

"Cause you're not the bad guy, duh."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I doubt this is the canon explanation, but the mental image of Kid!Ky being in glittery-eyed awe of Sol was just too funny to pass up.


	61. In Which an Unpleasant Discovery is Made

In Which an Unpleasant Discovery is Made

* * *

Ky approached the red-haired swordswoman waiting for her next battle. "So, Baiken, why're you in the tournament?"

Baiken glowered for a moment before deciding to humor him. "I seek revenge against Justice; he--"

"I hate to interrupt, but Justice's female."

Baiken almost spit out her drink. "What? Are you sure?"

"Well, she is called the Mother of All Gears."

Baiken sputtered for a moment, incoherent with shock. "But--the armor--"

Ky shuddered, remembering the first time he'd encountered the by now infamous 'Golden Phallus'. "Don't ask me, I didn't design her."

Elsewhere in the waiting area, Sol sneezed.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Justice's gender had been a matter of confusion among English-speaking fans until it was clarified later.


	62. In Which an Old Joke is Recycled

In Which an Old Joke is Recycled

* * *

"Hey, there, beautiful!" Johnny tipped his hat. "What's your name?"

I-No flicked the pirate a lidded glance. "I-No."

Johnny flashed his most charming smile. "Well, of course you know your name, darlin'! I'd like to know it, too!"

I-No frowned. "Are you deaf? I said 'I-No', not 'I know'."

Johnny leaned forward, draping an arm over I-No's shoulder so that his fingers were a hair's breadth from brushing her chest. "Oh, playing hard to get, huh? I suppose next you'll tell me that Who's on first?"

I-No teleported out of reach, summoning her guitar. "What?"

"No, sweetie, What plays second."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Yeah, her name's pronounced "EE-no", but punnage is fun.


	63. In Which a Mentor Watches From Afar

In Which a Mentor Watches From Afar

* * *

He is but a petulant boy, far too much thrust upon him far too soon. A boy and never a man, stolen before he had a chance to make anything of himself and honed to be their weapon.

She reminds herself that she must be strict with him, never to let him know how proud she is of him; how much she hates to put him in the line of fire; how she knows that his witty retorts and barbs hide the heart of a wounded child.

For England, the boundaries must never be breached, no matter what the cost.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Inspired by the Pierce Brosnan Bond films - there's the slightest bit of chemistry between M and Bond that obviously couldn't go anywhere, but I thought it was an interesting character dynamic.


	64. In Which Fashion Adivce is Disregarded

In Which Fashion Adivce is Disregarded

* * *

"Good morning, Bya-kun!"

Byakuya suppressed the twitch in his eyebrow at the new nickname and simply sat down in the chair, removing the scarf that could ransom all of Soul Society. A large, elaborately-stitched silk cloth (needlework undoubtedly provided by his overeager stylist) is draped over his shoulders.

"So, tell me, what would you like me to do for you?"

Byakuya kept his gaze fixed on the mirror ahead. "The usual."

"Aw, can't you live a little, Bya-kun? You would look so very lovely with braids--"

"The usual," Byakuya repeated, his voice iron. "I won't say it again, Ayasegawa."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Every time I look at Byakuya's hair, all I can think is that Yumichika is so his stylist.


	65. In Which a Less Rosy Courtship

In Which a Less Rosy Courtship is Presented

* * *

Later, when they were alone together in the grand, empty mansion, Byakuya told Rukia the remainder of the truth, one too shameful for outsiders' ears. Then he turned away from the woman who bore the face of the one he had wronged all those years ago, the burden of guilt beyond what he could bear.

Yet she remained at his side, his sister—-never anything more, for he had so sworn-—an eternal reminder of his ancient sin.

Her forgiveness could never be earned, only granted, but even should she ever do so he wasn't certain he could forgive himself.

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
Hard to present what my actual idea is in 100 words, but I hope I've left enough clues for everybody to put two and two together.


	66. In Which a Name's Origin is Revealed

In Which a Name's Origin is Revealed

* * *

Before either man could contemplate escaping, Phoenix's mother answered the door, her surprise quickly giving way to understanding, and then amusement. "Nicholas Benjamin Wright."

Phoenix flushed. "I like _Phoenix_."

She scoffed. "We named the _dog_ Phoenix."

Miles bit back a laugh. "You named yourself after a dog."

"He was family," mother and son replied simultaneously, her eyes glittering with mirth and his fixed to a spot on the floor. She turned her attention to him next. "And you must be Miles Edgeworth."

He nodded. "Ma'am."

Her hand darted out to pinch his cheek. "Ooh, you are _adorable_! I approve."

"_Mooooooom!_"

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_  
I wouldn't be too surprised if Phoenix was actually named such by weird parents, but with the new Indiana Jones movie coming out I was inspired to abuse a quote out of _The Last Crusade_.


	67. In Which an Existential Crisis

In Which an Existential Crisis is Endured

* * *

She'd met, and then summarily murdered, nearly everything that had crossed her path: gods, demons, things that went bump in the night, and even aliens–then Vincent, that smarmy bastard, had to plant doubt in her mind: "They look like _monsters_ to you?"

Now she could no longer pretend her life was normal, no matter how much Douglas tried otherwise. Discovering that she was the reincarnated vessel for some drug-addled death-cult's Eldritch horror had changed everything.

Douglas noticed her sulking and offered her a cigarette, one of the few vices he allowed her, figuring she'd earned that much.


	68. In Which the Bonds of Friendship

In Which the Bonds of Friendship are Strengthened

* * *

It wasn't long before Wright found me staring out the balcony overlooking Kurain. "When…When you left that note, 'Prosecutor Miles Edgeworth chooses death'…did you really–?"

"You think I'd say that just for the kicks? After Gant's trial, the mere thought of how many people I've ruined almost destroyed me right there…but then I came to realize that I couldn't face my father as I was, either."

"Now that you're back, maybe there's cases you could appeal."

"Maybe."

"You don't have to face this alone anymore, Edgeworth."

"I know. Still think you're an idiot for sticking around, though."


	69. In Which Victory Leads to Defeat

In Which Victory Leads to Defeat

* * *

Too late Henry realized that he never had any chance to win. This whole time he'd been in Walter's world, playing by Walter's rules, following the trail of breadcrumbs to each checkpoint, hoping against everything that he'd find a way out.

Now Henry had reached the end of the line, and all Walter had to do for "Paradise" to descend was mark Henry as the final Sacrament. Even killing Walter again did little to deter him, and soon Henry was pinned against the wall.

Walter pierced Henry's skin, promising that the pain would end soon, but Henry couldn't stop screaming.


	70. In Which the Perfect Plan Begins to Fail

In Which the Perfect Plan Begins to Fail

* * *

It was supposed to be simple: keep an eye on Solidus' adopted son, nudge him towards becoming the perfect tool, and maintain the masquerade of being nothing more than a devoted, if somewhat nagging, girlfriend.

But he'd made all of those objectives too easy. He'd destroyed all evidence of his past and then buried the rest of the memories so deep just the tiniest vestiges remained; she was free to mold him however she wished.

Then the blue lines appeared on her pregnancy test and she knew she couldn't pretend any more.

She had to save him, consequences be damned.


	71. In Which Edgeworth Catches an Earworm

In Which Edgeworth Catches an Earworm

* * *

Edgeworth wondered if he was some kind of masochist; must be the only reason he kept letting Wright pick which movies they'd watch on the rare nights they were free.

The latest offender was _A Night at the Roxbury_. He'd tried to tune it out, but his musical training meant that the melody was impossible to ignore.

Then Wright caught him humming on their way to the office the next morning.

"Hey, Edgeworth! What is love?"

Edgeworth ground his teeth. "Wright, if you don't stop trying to make me quote Haddaway, I _will_ make your existance quite unpleasant."


	72. In Which a Lesson in Slang is Dispensed

In Which a Lesson in Slang is Dispensed

"Gil, your daddy's not a glassmaker."

"I know that." Then Gil turned around and gave Catherine his patented Grissom Blink. "I beg your pardon?"

Catherine sighed, remembering Gil's rather abysmal lack of knowledge when it came to things he wasn't interested in, i.e., most of modern popular culture. "It means I need you to move over because you're blocking my view."

"Oh. Why didn't you just say so?" Gil shuffled aside.

"Thanks." Catharine winked at him. "Next time, if I want a view of your behind, I'll let you know."

Gil smiled back at her. "See, that one I get."


	73. In Which An Uneasy Alliance is Forged

In An Uneasy Alliance is Forged

a drabble by Dot

* * *

"So, what're you in for?"

He was so not in the mood to talk to anybody. A prison was a prison no matter how glamorous they tried to pitch it in the promotional videos, and he was certain that the supposed chance to earn his freedom was a complete fabrication.

(And yet here he was, on his way to be transferred to the Aperture Science Testing Facilities with eight complete strangers as "volunteers" for whatever experiments that lay waiting for them at the destination.)

"Come on now, don't be such a sourpuss. After all, we're going to be teammates soon."

* * *

_Unnecessarily Long and Tiresome Authoress' Notes:_

I blame this one on TVTropes and its Wild Mass Guessing page. This one also has a (badly drawn) picture associated with it. Go to my deviantart account (dotchan) to see it.


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